Thursday, December 07, 2006

Doubt.

Doubt is normal but it is a problem. Had a very ordinary rehearsal with Mr Bashford last week. All my fault, nothing to do with him. I had been spending time on the business of music and not on music. I had not practiced for awhile and as we played my mind was on incomplete tasks and not on the moment. The notes I played were correct but... that was all, there was nothing else but notes. Music is more than notes, either in tune or intentionally not in tune.

After that I rehearsal doubt arose. Again. The problem with playing "new" music is that it is always unpopular. People prefer to be popular. Most people will not like endsongs 2 music. There is a problem here. There is always the option of not doing live musical performances. Merely producing the music for my own, private, consumption. No problems then, it is just a hobby. No embarassment when (fellow) musicians offer suggestions on how to play music just like them, since I (must) aspire to being a rock musician and merely need instruction on back-beats and 4/4 timing and restricting myself to pentatonic scales.

Ambient music is more difficult than it appears. I am surprised. Since that bad rehearsal with Mr Bashford, I practiced and then did a solo improv of StringMachine. A new version. I prepared fully and followed the muse. I thought it skipped along and was quite short. It was over 50 minutes. (no! nothing stronger than coffee was consumed...) A gentle bike ride on the bike path the next day while I listened to this improv again confirmed that I can produce music I like to hear myself. This is no wonder at my own dexterity, my god no, the lack of notes attests to that. Simply, the music is able to re-transmit emotion. I love listening to this music, it is not me playing, it could be anyone. The music itself is enjoyable.

However, doubt in my own judgement resurfaces. I like this music. However, that (possibly) ensures that most people will not. Perhaps some people will think of it in the same league as those bland relaxation CD's of nothing music and banal melodies. Perhaps that is what it is. I don't know. I think not. I hope not.

People prefer to be popular. I will never be. Is that a problem? If it is then I can do nothing about it. Am I ready (again!) for the audiences who will not like and not understand this music? Why do live performances again? I can't answer that yet. Perhaps I don't want to answer or think too closely about the search for approval. If I am searching for approval than I am choosing a strange profession.

Doubt continues. It will always continue.